When everyone on the interweb is asleep, late at night, I like to creep in and leave notes in their spiral binders. This one is with blue ink. My favorite color. (translation: favourite colour)
Some advice: Never leave an eggplant in the oven too long. If you do, don’t leave it in till it explodes all over the inside of the oven. If that should happen, make sure you clean it the same day. If you forget, at least don’t leave it in there while you go on a week-long trip to San Francisco. And if THAT happens, never, ever open that oven door when you get back from your trip. Never. Take my word for it. Just get a new oven.
BRIER’S TOP 10 PET PEEVES
10. My unwillingness to go to bed at night. Or to get out of bed in the morning.
9. People who say “supposably”.
8. When i’m craving an avocado and mine aren’t ripe yet.
7. When a stranger sneezes and i say “bless you” and they don’t say thanks.
6. When they make a book into a movie and they re-publish the book with a photo on the cover of the actors from the movie. If i want to picture Robert Redford as Gatsby, i’ll watch the movie. But i’m not watching the movie. I’m reading the goddamn book.
5. When someone who works in a café says “expresso”. They should know better.
4. Mind-numbingly rude people. Like this classy guy yesterday: I was riding my bike and he was riding towards me, on the wrong side of the street, directly at me. I gave him a little ring of my bell, as if to say “Watch out, don’t run into me head-on”, and he said as we passed, “Fuck you, c*nt!” REALLY??? That’s the legacy you’re leaving behind from this encounter?? Thumbs up!! Right up your pickle-barrel, jerk.
3. Following someone around the thrift store for THIRTY MINUTES because they’re carrying something they found, that you’d kill or die for, and you’re waiting for them to put it down. And then they buy it.
2. Not being able to come up with ten pet peeves.
1. Getting a bug in my eye and/or mouth on the Vespa. Especially in my eye.
Short of cash but long of charm,